I am finding it very difficult to upload photos and coordinate what I say around them. When I started this blog it was so simple just to upload photos and move stuff around them. Probably for the real technology guys it is easier but for me there are times I just want to give up on it. I write on here because sometimes, some days I need to say something and the one person I wanted to tell Ken is gone. I don’t think there are too many people reading this but think anyone taking the trouble can realise my  frustration. I think I need to read up on blogger a bit more, if I can be bothered.

Gazebo

Andy finished the gazebo. Right in the middle we had a hail storm  but it didn’t last long.

We need to buy some climbing plants to coverit

 

Brian

 My friend Brian came to see me he drove all the way from Eastbourne .  We went out for lunch and  I really didn’t want him to drive home that night but he did. Brian is a very confident driver being an ex fireman driving fire engines, then diving important people for the MOD. He just enjoys driving. 

Nearly there

My gazebo arrived and Andy has erected it as far as he can on his own. It will be like this until he can get a little crew together to hoist it up. We both think it will look great when it’s finished and has climbing plants scrambling over it.  I didn’t realise how difficult it would be to put together, the instructions they sent were typical and not a lot of help.
  

Gazebo

 I have ordered this gazebo for my circular patio. I want to concentrate on my garden this year. I need to buy some climbers, I haven’t quite decided what I want but probably some roses and some clematis. I would also like a passion flower. I had several in my garden in Spain and although I don’t think the varieties I had there will survive here I think there are some that will, I will have to do a bit of research .

Taxi driver

 Yesterday I had a meeting in Bournemouth to sort out some of Ken’s finances.  His filing system I have to say was all in his head the paperwork just stuffed in a cupboard. While he was well he was on top of it and I was never interested he was in control. I am now left to sort it out and I think I am getting there slowly. I had a good meeting with Sam and Steve who I know will get it under control. I wasn’t feeling too bright but had the best taxi driver ever to drive me home. I didn’t get his name but he was a Yorkshire guy from Wakefield he just cheered me up no end. I just need to get on, not sure at the moment how I do that or even want to.

Sleepy dog

Little dog Sky sleeping in front of the telly. We are both out of sink. I blame myself I was all over the place after Ken died and Sky shadowed me. Now she has this habit of wanting to go out at 3.30am every day. This is the last thing I want, just waking after a few hours sleep

 

What can I say

 Life since I lost Ken has not been easy and trying to sort out his finances is a nightmare. I have never been interested in money and Ken was more interested in making it than spending it. I know lots of people would like to be in my position but I would give it all just to have him back. Just one day to tell him how much I loved  him . I think he knew that and I know he loved me. We were so fortunate that we were able to follow our dream, sail our boat to the med and live the life we wanted. I am trying to hold on to those memories. I know that the last week of his life he had visitors every day and was looking forward to getting out and about, he was so happy.   I wish I had the eternal hope that we will meet again but I don’t. Everyone tells me that the crushing feeling I have in my heart will get better with time, hope so because some days it seems more than I can bare.

 

Another day

 I can’t say how stressful trying to sort out the paperwork involved is since Ken died. I delt with Ken’s father’s death, his mother and my aunt who died without leaving a will. It seems very simple when you don’t have too much to leave. The more you have the more complicated it becomes. I will get through it but am not rushing but do need to get it sorted. It seems that if you save and provide for your old age you are penalized although there are no death duties between husband and wife after that the duties are extortionate. My advice to anyone is spend it while you can.    

I know we like lots of people in our generation put aside money in case we needed care in old age. It seems ironic that illegal immigrates, people who don’t work are cared for better than our old people, so people who can conserve money to care for them when they get old do but if they die unexpectedly death duties are a joke. Spend it all while you can because if you don’t the government will spend it on stuff you don’t want.

Day by Day

 I try each day to be as positive as I can. Yesterday I went round to see Bobs new kitchen and have a glass of wine. The kitchen is beautiful and certainly has the wow factor he was looking for.  Later my cousin rang and we spent nearly two hours on the phone. 

The last couple of days have been so stressful, little dog has been refusing to eat. I have cooked chicken and she has been sick. I am cutting it up really small now and so far she has kept it down. Next week I will take her to the vet although I don’t trust them any more. They do tests that tell you nothing and their charges are outrages, in some ways I wish I was back in Spain where my vet was honest. Raffa told you how it was. I so miss Ken to talk things through with all though if he was here I don’t think I would having this problem..

Little dog and me

 Me and little dog Sky are trying to cope.  I am not sure how she feels, for the first few days after Ken died she refused to eat.  I was so worried as she lost weight refusing to eat when Shula died, we broke all our rules and left her food down and Ken hand fed her when she would eat and gradually she recovered.

 It has been the same since Ken, I have fried chicken and fed her and gradually got her back to eating. Some days are better than others but I have not got her back to eating when her food is put down. I don’t care, I leave it down, at 15 I just want her to eat and all the rules we had mean nothing  now.

 I trained Shula, she was well behaved, sat and lay down when told.  Sky when I got her was so traumatized just getting her to feel safe took forever. I didn’t try to train her she followed Shula every where and I suppose I took the easy route, she came when she was called so I could put her on her lead I didn’t need her to sit and stay.  When we took them out to visit Shula would lay down as commanded, little dog would sit on someone’s knee mainly our friend Doug who was one of the people she felt safe with. Hopefully we can get through this.

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How to go on

 I have as best I could let everyone who cared know of Ken’s death.  This isn’t something you could prepare for. I know Ken has been ill  and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease but that is progressive not terminal. I am trying to think of the last week because he had a happy week with visitors and had made plans with Andy to go out when the weather warms up.. I expect everyone was as shocked as I was.

Ken

 Ken the guy I loved and married.

Ken died quietly in his sleep. It wasn’t expected he had been so well and happy this last week it was the last thing I expected. I only hope that I can keep his love of life and adventure going for at the moment I just wish I was with him

We still have Little dog Sky.  I think she knows because she has been my shadow all day.  Everyone has been very kind and it doesn’t seem real.

Little Dog

 

Little dog Sky, how do you know what she is thinking, we try to understand how she is feeling but don’t know what that is. At the moment we are pandering to her demands to be let in and out, eat when she wants but that can’t continue. She was always difficult to feed only eating because Shula stood over her and would eat her food if she walked away. Now Shula has gone  do I just pick it up as I would  have done in the past or just leave it down and let her eat when she wants. If she was young I would just pick it up but she is an old dog who has lost her companion of the last eleven years. What do I do?

Not sure

 Where I am at the moment I am not sure.  I miss Shula more than I can say, not the end of her life which was thankfully taken out of my hands but just her understanding of how I felt. We took long walks, she ran, sometimes it was frustrating when she did not always come back when I called but from when she was born wild she was a free spirit. Sometimes she just needed to run I just had to wait for her to come back. She always did, so happy it was hard to be cross. She was such a happy dog everyone loved her and she excepted Sky into our home. I am not sure how well Sky is coping with her loss but she is more clingy than before. Ken has his own problems with Parkinson’s so all though he was sad he has excepted that she has gone. For me I just try to think of the early days, her first walks outside our villa, exploring the green zones. Meeting with other dogs, just socialising her, taking her to training classes. I didn’t agree totally with the trainer but went along because she enjoyed it and loved being with all the other dogs. I miss her so much. I am trying to make up for her loss to Sky but how do you do that?